broken memories. (a personal essay by Roxxy Haze)

I was leaving a show and I called him. He never answers, but I would still call. It’s part misguided optimism, part masochism. Sometimes, I just want to feel something, anything, even if it’s pain.

He answered. He was driving around and was close to another comedy club I frequent. Because, I was a comedian I could get free tickets to all the shows. I told him to meet me there.

He got out the car and…

It’s hard to move forward

When you keep pulling me back

But I have to let you go

Or I’ll just be in this same place forever

Brick by brick

You built a wall

And no matter how much

I want to

I can’t save you

From you

Thank you

Thank you for being there for me

When I wasn’t even there for myself

Thank you

For being you

And letting me be me

And I’m sorry you…

No matter how hard I try

I can’t remember a time

When you didn’t consume

Every part of me

Love was here

All along

I just had to open my heart

To accept it

My soul had never known peace

Until the sky was still

And every star in the sky

Seemed to exist only for us

When the world fell silent

And the…

I am not her

I never was

That’s a person

You created

Not one I have to own

Your words are not law

They’re just murmurs in the wind


What lies behind those eyes

Another broken soul

Looking for connection

Summoned by my siren song

Or are you the fabled one

Who has come to tame the beast


Starlight above me

While the flames rise

At my feet

I wish I could

Drift away into the sky

Feel the star dust

Between my fingers

Let the cold night…

Roxxy Haze

I am Roxxy Haze. I’m a writer, comedian, cosplayer, actor, producer, editor.

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